An Average Day
by pitupaso
Summary: Random OneShots which make no sense. Zoro and Sanji debate why ZoroSanji isn't possible. Crack, Humor, rated T for Zoro's and Sanji's foul mouths. No offence to ZoroSanji lovers. XD
1. An Average Day

**AN: Absolutely NO offence to ZoroSanji lovers. u **I just… really don't see that pairing.

* * *

Food was, for once, late.

"Oi, cook," Zoro shouted, as he banged open the door to the kitchen on purpose, "the Captain demands that he be served his daily proportions of meat in five minutes, and if not, there's no guarantee of what he'll do to - the hell are you…?"

The swordsman stopped mid-threat, one eyebrow raised at the slim, suit-clad figure sitting hunched at the corner of the room. Back braced against the wall, both legs set in a casual squat-like position with both arms stretched across his knees, Sanji didn't even bother acknowledging the other's presence.

Zoro scratched the back of his neck, a little unsettled by the cook's uncharacteristic behavior. "Oi," he said, a little less gruff this time, "y'heard what I said? Luffy's going ballistic back there, and there's only so much Nami and Usopp can do to pacify his hunger before – "

His words stuttered and died as the blond hunched forward, buried his head between his own knees, and let out a wail of despair.

"…what the hell…"

"Please don't mention her to me," Sanji sobbed, still sniffling into his pant legs, "my heart aches every time I think of that beautiful face…"

"Sanji, what drugs did you take last night?"

"And you!" The cook's head shot up, a furious glare directed his way, a jabbing finger pointing accusingly at his face, "you shouldn't even be here! It'll just make things worse! What would Nami-chan say if she saw – !"

"Could you kindly back the hell up and explain what is going on here?" Zoro growled, annoyance flaring – he knew the cook had issues, but this was just… What did he have to do with Sanji and Nami, and when the hell was the cook going to shut up and _cook_ before the Rubber Man started eating their ship?

Now it was Sanji's turn to look annoyed. "You mean you don't know?"

"Don't know _what_, moron!"

"Me." The cook jerked a thumb towards himself for emphasis, as though Zoro was a mere child who couldn't understand language, "and you" – he pointed fiercely at the bushido again – "have a problem. Well, to be more specific – _I_ have a problem with _you_."

"Which is!" he roared. "Stop keeping me in suspense!"

"Alright." Sanji inhaled deeply.

"I think the reason Nami-chan hasn't been speaking to me for the last twelve hours was because she discovered that the majority of our fandom consists of pairings that have you and me in it."

The round, antique clock on the far wall ticked by for long, painful ten seconds.

"…what the f – "

Sanji began clawing at his face. "ZoroSanji is EVERYWHERE, my god – I don't want to know how the hell those peoples' minds work – we're _guys_, and just comrades at that – and if my constant shameless lusting after our beautiful navigator hasn't already proved the fact that I'm perfectly straight – though I'm not too sure about you," he added as a considerate afterthought, "I don't know what will. I mean, I _totally _approve of all the SanjiNami." Said blond allowed his eye to magically morph into a pink heart for a moment, "but you – and me – "

Zoro somehow managed to look squicked. "Just a sec – where in the world are you getting your information from?"

"I have my sources," the cook said mysteriously. "Do you know? I flitted through this list of reasons on why the two of us are (he shuddered) _compatible_, and it was because we fight all the damned time. What the hell?"

"…the fuck?"

"Yes, apparently, we do that too." Sanji began systematically bashing his head against the cabinets on the walls. "URGH I think my brain has been scarred for life. The sheer amount of fanfiction…"

"So just because we break each others' ribs every few days over some minor squabble and beat down the other's ego every few minutes, it's 'love'?" Zoro demanded. "I thought that would be classified under 'aggressive spouse abusal' or something."

"Not to mention that anyone who'd want to settle down with an algae-head like you has to be absolutely out of her mind."

"Same to you, Prince Idiot."

"Oh, petty name-calling now, eh?"

"You started it. Look, moron, the only reason Nami didn't speak to you for the past twelve hours was because _it was nighttime, idiot. We were all asleep_. I'm very sure she doesn't read that trash. And I don't want to know why _you _were reading it in the first place."

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

"…oh."

Suddenly Sanji looked a lot happier.

"YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHO – "

"MEAAAAT!" Luffy roared, crashing through the kitchen door, "I want my breakfast and I want it noooooow, Sanji!"

"Who the hell eats meat for breakfast?" Sanji roared back, leaping to his feet, upsetting a nearby bowl of salad over Zoro, who, predictably –

"YOU MORON! YOU GOT SALAD DRESSING ALL OVER ME – "

"GOMU GOMU NO… PISTOL!"

"You idiots, stop tearing up the ship – !"

"Ah! Nami-chan! I'm so sorry! I'll fix up the place right away!"

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL, AFTER I'M DONE WITH YOU – "

"_Sanji! Food_ now! _Before Luffy turns cannibalistic!_"

"Sure thing, Nami-chan!"

"THREE SWORD STYLE – "

"MEAAAAAAAAAAAT!"

_fin_


	2. Since You Say So

AN: This might turn into a series of not-really ZoSan bashing. XD;

Usopp's leaning more towards the general crowd who are okay with ZoSan in this fict, while the two men themselves I tried to write as close to canon as possible.

Once again, no offence to ZoroSanji lovers.

**Since You Say so**

It was totally coincidental that Usopp had walked in on the both of them in each other's faces.

They weren't doing anything illegal, of course, or anything intimate, because they were both _guys_, and they both hated the others' guts, and that was _no_ reason to even like each other, what kind of sick thinking do you have, Usopp? Besides, they were just arguing, as usual, because the stupid Marimo was being a prick about how long the cook was spending in the washroom, which he didn't see why Zoro would be bothered anyway – like a bath was going to help change that ugly hair color, or make him more handsome, or erase away the stink of stale sweat –

" – well, at least I don't spend half an hour curling my eyebrows!" Zoro spat. Literally.

"That's because you don't _have any_, moron – just two hunks of hairless flab over your eyes you call eyebrows, and they're so fat and thick it's a wonder you ever see anything at all, creasing your forehead like that all the time as if you were actually forming thoughts behind in there – "

"Yeah, I've been thinking, and I've got about twenty-three ways of bashing that stupid blond head of yours in – "

"Lovers' spat," Usopp said smugly.

At that, both men stopped in mid-swear, and very slowly turned to face the sharpshooter. Usopp stiffened, but otherwise appeared to be unfazed by the duo.

"I'll reserve one of those twenty-three methods for you, Usopp," Zoro said, cracking his knuckles, "I'll make it special…"

"You're just in denial, if you have to bash me up to keep silent about it," Usopp smirked, though he backed up a couple of steps. "Just admit it – the two of you…" He puckered his lips and made kissy noises. Sanji tried not to barf over the side of the ship.

"Usopp," Zoro said, half in irritation, half in disgust, "if Prince Idiot was gay, he'd be selling his soul to every guy he walked past in the street, begging them to let him be their whore, and he'd treat the female population like they were something he needed to scrape off his boots."

"Yeah, and I'd lay down a hundred million berri to bet that the only reason Marimo likes to fight so much is so he can get up _close_ and _personal_ with his _male opponents_," Sanji drawled, nonplussed by the earlier comment.

Usopp snickered at that.

"…Hm."

Zoro's angry expression softened, took on a more thoughtful, solemn look.

"Come to think of it," the swordsman said suddenly, walking towards Usopp, "I've fought hundreds of men before – hell, I've even fought with Luffy and Love Cook…"

He closed the distance between him and the sniper, backing the smaller man against the railing of the ship, effectively trapping him. Usopp stared at his crewmate. "Er. Z-Zoro?"

Zoro studied the smaller man for a few silent seconds… before his eyes took on a half-lidded look, and he gave the sharpshooter a small, slow, _sensual_ smile.

"I've never fought with you," he breathed, his face inches away from the sniper's long, quivering nose. "And I think you might be my type of – "

"EEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGH!"

Usopp about screamed Zoro deaf before flailing wildly, his feet skittering madly as he ducked under the swordsman's arms and ran for Nami's room.

"What's wrong, Usopp? I like guys, remember?" Zoro said.

Usopp only screamed again and disappeared behind the door of the navigator's room with a loud slam.

Several seconds passed in silence. The ship creaked hesitantly. Not long after, the sounds of Usopp's high-pitched, still-too-frantic shrieking and Nami's yelling for him to shut the hell up and calm down so she could decipher his gabble, carried over the gentle sloshing of the waves, across the near empty deck, to the two men who had not moved an inch since the third party disappeared.

Sanji blinked. Then he fumbled around for a cigarette, lit one, and took in a long drag. "Well. I have to admit that was pretty good thinking on your part."

The grin on Zoro's face could have rivaled Luffy's. "I think I successfully managed to mentally scar him for the rest of his life."

"Doesn't really solve the problem, though, you know," the cook said, tapping away the ash into the waves below, "because we're dealing with ZoroSanji here, and not ZoroUsopp."

"Hm. True. But at least it should convince him I'm not gay." Zoro faltered. "…Shit. Or did I just end up doing the opposite?"

……………

"…I take back my previous statement about admitting you had a brain," Sanji said.


	3. Why

**Why They Don't Like Each Other**

"Look at the bastard. He's fugly. He's got that fucked up shade of ass-ugly hair. And he crops it so short… it's so badly cut. What the hell do you cut it with? A lawn mower? Oh, but that fits, wouldn't it, because it's GREEN. Like GRASS. Except UGLIER."

"I bet the reason you hide your left eye under all that moldy cheese grating you call hair is because you're deformed. I bet you've got, like, compound eyes under that. You know, insect eyes, like houseflies – all red and round and bulgy and fun to poke and stick sharp things into – "

" – and then you have those… those forehead things. Some people say the bone definition makes you look handsome, but really, they don't know the only reason anything protrudes from out there is because you're actually straining to get your brain cells to work. Like, you keep forcing it to work, that even though it won't, and still doesn't, your face got stuck like that. So while everyone's just fawning over your moss head and cooing about how serious and strong and intelligent your face structure makes you look, it's just saying how dumb you really are."

"Why the hell's your eyebrow curled anyway. What do you use it for – catching insects?"

"Do you know why everyone thinks Marimo is gay? It's because he wears three earrings on ONE DAMN EAR. And on the right one too."

"It's on the left, you asshole – it means I'm straight."

"No, it's because you couldn't differentiate your left from your right when you got it pierced – at 18, probably – and you chose the wrong ear."

"You wear a fucking pink apron. How gay is that."

"…what the hell do aprons…?"

"We're picking faults at each other, shut up. I moved on."

"Pink is the color of romance, you intellectually-disabled moron-key. It means I have taste in women. And girls like pink anyway. So that means I'm self-sacrificial as well, because I wear it for them."

"Bull."

"Ox."

"…cow."

"Calf."

"…….oxen."

"That doesn't count, you piece of shit. Ox and oxen are the same."

"Beef."

"What the hell? …Steak."

"Pork."

"Mutton."

"Meat."

"Did someone say meat?"

"No. Go away, Luffy."

"Sanji, I'm hungry."

"Go. Away."

"…Where the hell were we?"

"In the galley."

"No, asshole, I meant the conversation."

"Right. Uh… Damn."

"…..you didn't keep score, did you."

"Uh. Nope. But it doesn't matter. I'm still better than you."

"You listed two kinds of meat and I listed three. I win."

"You said meat again!"

"Luffy, this is a knife. Now, this is my right hand. This is the knife in my hand. This is me when I get pissed. When I get pissed…"

"Killing the captain equals mutiny, you shitty cook."

"I didn't say I was going to _kill_ him, did I?"

"…bastard."


	4. How Zoro and Sanji died

**Another day, another morning, and the smell of breakfast began its morning waft through the ship's decks. Sanji switched off the stove, leveling the pancakes that had been browned to perfection onto seven plates, though he paused long enough to lovingly drizzle extra syrup over a particular plate.**

"…_a_ plate? Whatever happened to my dear Robin-chan's serving?"

"The hell would I know. Shut up and read."

**The cook dusted his hands off, pleased. Any minute now…**

**The gallery door burst open. "SANJI! BREAKFAST! BREAKFAST! OMG!" The captain rocketed into his seat, caught himself before he tipped over along with the chair, and instantly reached for the special plate with a look of pure delight. **

**He got a kick to the head and a trip back out of the gallery. "That is not for you!"**

**"Sanji's mean!" Even out of sight, Sanji could hear the pout in Luffy's voice.**

"Damn straight. Moron deserves it…"

**The telltale clumping of heavy black boots came down the deck, and the gallery door was shoved open once again. Zoro entered, rubbing the back of his neck like it bothered him, grumbling about it being too damned early in the morning –**

"And the way the fucking sun just _manages _to get on my face all the time from that stupid porthole."

**- and plopped himself on one of the stools to wait.**

**_"_**_**Ah! My fair lovely Zoro-san!" Sanji cooed –** _

"WHAT! What the fuck – NO! I do NOT coo at you and call you 'Zoro-san'!"

**- as his visible eye magically morphed into a throbbing pink heart -**

"Nononono argh NO oh my dog – "

**- clasping his hands together in heartfelt delight. "Don't you look absolutely wonderful this bright cheery morning!"**

"And good fucking morning to you too."

**The cook was gesturing at the made breakfast, as he flitted from left to right about the swordsman, "I spent a good part of the morning mixing just the right batch today. You'll find that they're light and fluffy, with just a hint of crispness to the skin, and they don't get soggy even if you soak it in syrup – Oh, there's hints of cherry and grape, too, since I know you like those."**

"I don't."

**"****Please, sample one and let me know if they appeal to your wonderful taste buds." The cook fixed the swordsman with a hopeful, puppy-eyed stare –**

"…oi, shitty cook. Stop getting blood on the walls. I'm not going to clean that up later, and the head-bashing isn't going to affect your nonexistent gray matter anyway."

**- watching as he picked up a fork, sliced off a small section of the closest syrup-covered pancake, put it to his mouth and chewed thoughtfully.**

"'Thoughtfully'? I didn't know you bothered thinking about whatever you were eating. You know, mindless, brainless bozo you are and all. You'd swallow insecticide if I told you it was cider."

**"Wow," Zoro said, all previous traces of morning grumpiness gone as he beamed delightfully at the ecstatic cook, "This is absolutely fantastic, Sanji-kun!"**

"…'Sanji_-kun_'?"

**"I love it!" And he gave the chef a small, brief hug to show his appreciation for the food.**

"OH MY GOD – "

"SOMEONE, KILL ME QUICK."

**It was then that the other crew members of the Going Merry decided to appear. Luffy re-entered, his hair a little rumpled from earlier, followed by the navigator, the doctor, the sniper and the historian. "Pancakes!" Nami's eyes lit up as she spied the meal, "and with syrup, too!"**

**"Your plate is over there, bitch," Sanji snapped, pointing to the furthest end of the table where a single, lonely pancake sat forlornly. "These are for the lovely Zoro-san." Sanji once more turned towards the swordsman and gave him a blinding, dazzling smile. "Is there anything else my love would care to – "**

And suddenly Zoro wasn't looking at a screen anymore, instead, staring at the blank space where the computer used to be, the only evidence that there had been one lying in the ripped, frayed wires peeking over the edge of the table. Beside him, Sanji stood, still heaving from the effort of lobbing the terminal through the closest porthole. Now he crumpled to his knees, buried his head in his hands and started to shake.

Zoro shifted a centimeter forward in his seat. "…oi, shitty cook. You're depressed, aren't you."

"Absolutely suicidal."

"Me too. Wanna go jump off the ship together?"

"Sounds good. Nami-san mentioned the area being shark-infested, correct?"

"Yup."

"Double good."

"Nice knowing you."

"Yeah. I won't miss you, asshole."

"Likewise, dumbshit."

And that's how Zoro and Sanji died.

* * *

_AN: I don't know what crack I was smoking, don't ask._


	5. Reasonings

_AN: The irony is so painful XD Sorry folks, but I've been swayed over to the SanZo side. YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. The author of this anti-ZoroSanji fiction now has SanjixZoro as her OTP! (Second or third closest OTP anyway…)_

_I don't think the actual canon Zoro and Sanji would get together, of course, but in fandom, anything can happen, so eh. Still, I think they're great nakama, they'd make the best of friends sans any kind of relationship. I still like them more as nakama than as a pairing, but yeah._

_So I present the fifth installment of why Sanji and Zoro should really not be together. XD_

_

* * *

_

"WHAT? WHY!"

"Such coherency, Marimo."

Zoro clutched at his hair in a vain attempt to rip himself bald. "No, I mean – the author of this fiction _hated_ our pairing! She even ranted about it on Livejournal once! Why the hell is she putting us together now!"

"Mm, I dunno. Something along the lines of both partners being hot men and that neither of them would submit to being an uke would result in undeniably hot se – "

"DO NOT NEED TO KNOW. UGH. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL. GET THIS RIGHT, FANDOM: RORONOA ZORO IS STRAIGHT. AS A RULER."

"Oh? Prove it."

"It's none of your business, and even if it were, it wouldn't be to you."

Sanji looked squicked. "… I didn't say it had to be to me."

"NO. I DID NOT. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU." Zoro frowned. "Wait. Uh. What was the question again?"

Sanji decided that repeatedly applying his forehead forcefully to the wall would be messier than palming his face. "I said, prove the fact that you aren't gay."

"Of _course_ I'm not gay. The hell! I liked Kuina!"

"And that was like, what, when you were eight?"

"It had been a crush, you asshole, a term I only discovered when I was years older, and by then it was…" Zoro snapped his mouth shut and jerked his head away, suddenly looking agitated. "I couldn't have said it to her, alright?"

"Um." Sanji rubbed the back of his head apologetically. "…didn't mean to swing the topic that way."

"Whatever." Zoro waved it off. "Why the hell is it that just because I don'tlust rabidly after women like the asshat you are, people automatically assume that I like men!"

"Don't look at me!" The cook looked hurt. "_I _go after our lovely Nami-swan all the damned time, and people think I'm trying to compensate for my 'actual' gender preferences instead!"

"That's because you try too damned hard, you idiot, it makes you look amateurish."

"So I should sit back and scoff and ignore the jiggling breasts and butt cheeks, and train with huge-ass weights and swords all day instead, you mean."

"What the… hey, _you_ stop trying to change the topic."

"It's not MY fault that a heart replaces my visible eye every time I get the urge to swoon over women! Blame Oda-sama! It's part of my freaking character design, what am I supposed to do about that!"

"Che." Zoro crossed his arms, and looked away. "Anyway, if it's proof people want, that damned woman gave me a nosebleed" – his voice dropped to a mutter – "like once." He coughed, and resumed his usual volume. "So there. I am _totally_ straight."

"Getting a nosebleed does not equal being straight, you asshole!"

"Does too! The stupid bitch just flashed full frontal on us, you lost half a litre for that! A-and besides, I think Tashigi's kinda cute."

Very long and pregnant pause.

"…you like a _Marine_?"

"Shut up, I said she's cute! It's just that she's so painfully dorky and all. I wasn't thinking about chasing her or anything. I mean, hell, even that red-haired demoness is cute, when she's… you know. Not trying to rake up my interest or whatever."

"Nami-swan's always cute." The cook was puffing smoke hearts again, grinning stupidly around his cigarette. "And so is Robin-chan, that beautiful raven-haired woman, ahh… I always wondered what kind of shampoo she uses to get her hair that way?"

"Now, Robin, I'll admit she's hot, especially with all that black leather she was donning for the Water Seven arc, but she's way too old for me."

"Robin-chan's only ten years older than – wait, what? Water Seven! You bastard, I haven't gotten that far in One Piece yet!"

"You can't even keep up with our own manga! What the hell, cook! Btw u got seriously pwned in e latest chpt."

"Stop spoiling me, you stupid beepbeep BEEEP I'll beeping kill you if you dare go any beeping further than beep beep chapter!"

Suddenly a huge whirlpool that sucked up Going Merry and everyone died.

* * *

_AN: That was so random XDD; Sorry for all the brain breakage. With crack fics like this, it gives me an excuse to write without having to stick to making sense and/or having an actual storyline. :D  
_


	6. Rolling, Action

_AN: Hi guys, you know what? I don't really care if you object to my going over to the dark side. I'm a fan of the canon as much as of the fanon; I can view Zoro and Sanji as really good friends, best buddies or nakama – doesn't mean that since I like them as a slash pairing means everything I do has to be them screwing each other all the time. (Not to mention I can't write porn.) It also DOESN'T mean I can't write hate fiction about the pairing I'm into. It's all for point of good fun, good humor. I never intended any serious hating towards ZoSan lovers when I started this fiction, it was merely just poking harmless fun and wondering what the canon characters would say about it. _

_So, nagging aside, I present my sixth crack issue of anti-ZoSan._

_

* * *

_

(Straw Hat navigator NAMI strides into view wearing a black suit and miniskirt. She is carrying a tape under one arm, and she takes short, brisk strides across the stage before stopping to face the audience.)

**NAMI:** (growling to herself) For the money, only for the money… (realizes she's on camera and suddenly gives the audience a blinding smile that has everyone scrambling for sunglasses.) Well, good day, everybody! Welcome to the first episode of "We Are! Anti-ZoSan!" What is "Anti-ZoSan", you ask? Well it means exactly that, you brainless dumbass! It's anti-Zoro-times-Sanji! A show that is completely against what should be the most sinful slash pairing the Grand Line has ever come up with!

You want proof, you say? Proof that these two aren't actually doing things behind the scenes? (She holds up the tape.) WELL, HERE'S YOUR DAMNED PROOF. FANGIRLS, YOU BETTER WATCH CLOSELY.

**USOPP:** (peeking out from behind a curtain) Uh, N-Nami-swan, the director says to keep your swearing and insulting down to a minimum –

**NAMI:** TO HELL WITH THE DIRECTOR! I DO WHAT I DAMNED WELL WANT ON THIS SHOW!

**SANJI:** Ah, my Nami-swan is so stunning when she shoots flames from her mouth like that…

**NAMI:** YOU SHUT UP, TOO! I'M DOING THIS FOR THE BOTH OF YOU IDIOTS!

(Scene changes as NAMI pushes the tape into a player and plays the tape. The camera cuts in to the television screen. ZORO appears on the screen, sleeping outside right next to the galley door.)

**NAMI:** (offscene) Watch closely and take note of the cook's and swordsman's reactions.

(The galley door suddenly slams open, smashing ZORO in the face and sending most of him backwards into the wall. The door stays in its opened state. SANJI comes waltzing out with a tray of olive-topped martinis, numerous pink hearts floating off his form as he saunters out of camera range.)

**SANJI:** (television, offscene) NAAAAAAAAAMI-SWAAAAAAAN? ROOOOOBIN-CHWAAAAAN? Please have a sip of my freshly-prepared drinks, made with love from my heart for yoooou!

(Several seconds after, the galley door is suddenly ripped off its hinges and goes flying, disappearing somewhere in the distance with a sparkle. ZORO's teeth have evolved into sharp, white fangs and his eyes appears to have lost their pupils. His face is red and swollen from the force of flesh meeting hard wooden door.)

**ZORO:** (television, onscene) THAT SHITTY LOVE COOK, I'M GOING TO KILL THAT –censor- STUPID USELESS –censor- FOR BRAINS –censor- -censoooooooooooorrrrrr-

(ZORO gives a loud roar that sounds amazingly similar to King Kong, beats his chest, and stomps offscene with all three of his swords drawn and his bandana tied around his head.)

(Camera cuts back to show Nami and television set in the foreground.)

**NAMI:** Note that Sanji never even noticed that Zoro was sitting directly outside his path, despite the visibility through the porthole located on the galley door. Note also that Zoro will be owing me a triple percent interest charge for destroying said door –

**ZORO:** BLAME IT ON THAT SHITTY LOVE COOK!

**NAMI:** (pointedly ignoring Zoro) – and his instant reaction to immediately sought out and kill said cook. Where is the love, fangirls, I ask you? Where?

(Camera cuts back in to television. In the mens' quarters, ZORO and SANJI are now asleep, with ZORO on the couch and SANJI on the floor directly below him.)

**NAMI:** (offscene, sounding resigned.) Observe.

(ZORO gives off a particularly loud, chainsaw snore, turns over in his sleep, and falls off the couch, promptly landing heavily on SANJI, hip to hip, chest to chest, face to face, with his lips over the cook's own. Both ZORO and SANJI's eyes snap wide open as they wake up, regarding each other in approximately one second of horrified silence before they rear back from each other aggressively. After which, the camera goes into I'm-standing-on-an-earthquake mode, shaking to the point where the room and whatever is in it dissolves into a nausea-inducing blur of motion. The television also begins emitting a series of rapid, continuous high-pitched censor beeps as ZORO and SANJI presumably begin swearing at each other.

At one point, the camera is knocked over and lands sideways on the floor, and we can now see ZORO and SANJI each trying to choke the other purple, with LUFFY and CHOPPER in the background eating popcorn and cheering them on while USOPP runs around screaming. A couple of seconds later, NAMI makes an appearance through the emergency door in the mens' quarters, and begins beating all the men over the head with one of ZORO's dumbbells.

The screen is replaced with a censor bar for nearly two minutes before we see NAMI storming out of the room, clutching the now-dented dumbbell. Any survivors left are not in camera range.)

(Cut back to Nami and the television set. She has a very forced grin on her face.)

**NAMI:** See? It's clear they hate each other! Not to mention that this was recorded in total secret, so this are their perfectly natural reactions.

**ZORO:** IF LUFFY DIDN'T MAKE ME SWEAR NOT TO KILL MY NAKAMA, I'D HAVE FINISHED OFF THIS ASSHOLE A LONG TIME AGO!

**SANJI:** Killing? I'd be more creative in my methods of dealing out death than what limited cells your brain permits you to use.

**ZORO:** WHY YOU –

**NAMI:** Kill our cook, and that'll be another 50 percent raised.

**ZORO:** …FINE! (throws himself into a nearby chair, folds his arms tightly, and begins sulking, shooting accusing glares at the blond chef)

**SANJI:** Ahhh, my Nami-swan is so sweet and dear to come to my defense –

**NAMI:** And if YOU ever aid that idiot buffoon in destroying any of our property again OR create enough of a din to rouse me AND Robin from OUR sleep…!

**ZORO:** …wait, you mean you and Robin…?

**NAMI:** What? What do you m – NO! NO! WHAT DO YOU – YOU SICK BASTARDS! EW!

**SANJI:** How dare you insult my precious Nami-swan, you stupid Marimo head!

**ZORO:** So it's my fault she chose to word her sentence that way, now!

**NAMI and SANJI:** MORE LIKE HOW YOU CHOSE TO HEAR WHAT WAS ACTUALLY BEING SAID!

(Camera cuts to show NAMI and SANJI hitting on… er, aggressively beating ZORO up in a corner. USOPP nervously pokes his face into view.)

**USOPP:** Uh… Stay tuned for next week's "We Are! Anti-NamiRobin!" episode?


End file.
